Thursday, February 18, 2010


I've spent a couple of days trying to find my inspiration for. well. life. I know what I want in the end, and I've started funneling money into a savings account to try to get there. Unfortunately, putting 20% of your paycheck into savings means that money starts to get a little tight. I have no need to panic, I can pay my rent and all.. But I still worry.

I'm stressing a bit more because of a new jewelry design I'm trying out. I'm cutting apart a bunch of antique spoons I have lying around, and trying to make them into something new.

The picture to the right is one such bracelet, the silver chain was handmade by myself, and has been soldered so the rings won't EVER spring apart. The silver spoon was found by my father, and has since been curved to match my wrist.

I love it, but I have no idea if I'll be able to market it or not. It's a lovely bracelet and moves easily on my wrist, but I don't know if I'll be able to sell it at all. The thought really worries me.

I'm having trouble remaining inspired right now, because I'm really stressed about my money situation. I shouldn't be, but I can't help it. My savings are going great, but my spending money is tight. Why does it have to be so hard?

Not only that.. my hours have been cut lately. Whoo hooo.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

What is Love?

This is a question that I don't think I'll ever be able to answer. I used to think that love was that butterfly feeling I got in my stomach every time I thought about my lover, or the pride I felt in telling people about him. I came to feel that love was accepting all of my partners flaws, and working around them. Never expecting them to fix themselves.

For a while, I thought love was being able to share my lover with whoever he pleased.

Now, I'm neck deep in another relationship, and I still don't think I know what love is.

V-Day has come and gone, as well as the change to commercially prove how much I'm 'loved'. My partner and I didn't really exchange gifts, and we stayed in that day. Shared a bottle of wine, cooked my first stew and baked bread to go with it. Ended up having a fight over a pair of pants I was trying to expand, and I went to bed early. He came in an hour later, and spooned me until we fell back asleep.

What is love? Can it all be wrapped up in a butterfly feeling that disappears after a few months? Is it accepting your partner's flaws and trying to fix them? Is it simply doing whatever your partner wants, personal reservations aside?

I'm a very monogamous person. Similar to a sparrow actually, I'm loyal to my partner, but if my first love is lost, I can learn to love again. But that can't be all that love is.

But then, I can't accept the definition that love is all forgiving and happy. I look at couples that never have an argument, gush all over each other at any given opportunity, and sacrifice their social lives for each other and I just think it's sad. Or is that my jealousy speaking? Is that what love is?

My partner and I argue over stupid things. I can't remember the last time he gushed on about how much he loves me and how perfect we are together, in fact, I don't think he ever has. I have a fully active social life outside of him, although I'm always up for combining the two.

I find when I'm at school, I hope I have enough time to stop at home before work so I can see him. When I'm upset about something he's done or forgotten, I can't help but think about how sad he looks when he knows I'm upset. When I'm cleaning up the kitchen and wish I didn't have to do it, I remember how yesterday he cleaned a lot of the apartment without me asking. When I'm in bed angry and alone, how he comes to bed and pulls me close for a hug before we fall asleep.

What is love? My partner hasn't sworn his undying love for me, he hasn't promised me that we'll always be together, there's no word of a proposal on the winds. Everything that my former lover said to me, hasn't happened in this relationship. Yet, somehow, it feels so much more real to me, so much more possible then what I had before. I worry sometimes, if maybe I'm a little bit more emotionally invested, if maybe I should stop counting my eggs before I count my chickens. Maybe my love of self reliance will prove to be too much, and he'll leave me for a beauty queen who only wants to afford her next bottle of shampoo. Anything could happen, yet I'm always hoping for the best.

Anything could happen. We could go anywhere at this point. But I really just hope he lets me stay on the ride long enough to get the picture near the end.

Is this love?

Friday, February 12, 2010

On Clothes and Thrift Stores.

After multiple conversations with my girlfriends, I've decided to break out my old sewing machine and actually learn how to use it properly.

That being said, I'm on the look out for fabric I can use to sew Tibet-style pants for summer. I'm going to grab some fabric tomorrow to add some side panels to a fav pair of pants I have, so I can wear them again.

My mind is full of sewing ideas. Really didn't help with the fascination.

Might just end up going to Kensington, and buying a crap load of oversized Tshirts to rip apart.